Sony Let me Change my Name

Sony is a company that I have few major complaints with but goddamn it, if you rolled all of my quibbles with EA, Bethesda, Microsoft, Activision Blizzard, and Valve it would not reach the level of loathing I feel for Sony. Listen, this is only fair for the amount of suffering, embarrassment, and horror I have been in subjected to by the hands of Kaz Hirai and Tsuyoshi Kodera. 

My Misery Begins

All of my problems began in 2006 when I made the decision to name my druid in World of Warcraft, Shizznic. I was making a funny, ironic joke, I was trying to be the cool kid, I was young and foolish. My druid quickly became my main and soon my online persona was "Shizz."

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Being the slut for standardization that I am, I began to use Shizznic across every platform I used, including the Play Station Network. It wasn't much of a problem. I didn't play my PS3 very much so, I barely remembered what my name was and when I got a Vita, I wasn't playing online, so other than an occasional cringe, it wasn't too bad. But everything changed when I got my PS4. I wanted to play online, with friends but my name would be a problem. 

The Call That Changed Everything

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When I realized that it was time I let go of my childhood mistake, I did the reasonable and expected thing, I called Playstation. Surely support could change my name, even for a price. I would pay it. I waited an hour and a half before I spoke to a representative. He seemed like a nice enough guy. I asked him my question. He answered, "Yeah, I'm not sure why but they don't let you change your PSN name. The best I can do is suggest you make a new account." Make a new account. Lose every Vita game I had purchased, every trophy I had spent hours and hours getting, lose everything. I couldn't do it.

Impact Testimony

Because of my embarrassment, I didn't use PSN for many years. But last year, I fell into a friend group of Playstation players and I realized I would have to bite the bullet. I got a subscription but every time I share my name, the feeling of shame is inescapable. People make fun of me. I've lost my dignity. When people ask me for my PSN name all I can do is stare at them with regret in my eyes and say it. I need the freedom to start over. A fresh start. 

Let me be great Sony, let me change my name. But really, it makes no sense.

*Shizznic is not my full PSN name